If Froggystyle, Justice or A-Peace can carry us to victory without being erased through some freak accident on the way there, like what happened to Matsui and nearly happened to Livio... Then that's great. But I still can't regret not wanting to risk it.
I don't think you're going to find an answer that really satisfies you here. But I am genuinely sorry for the pain I put you through, though I know that doesn't change anything.
[ because if anyone knows there is no satisfaction in this situation, it's him. it's the same metaphor from that house, all those weeks ago. you can hit the man with the car over and over, but he'll never, ever die. ]
All I want is a recognition of what you did and how pointless it was, and answers to my questions. What bothers me about it is that I know that you're clever, and I have to wonder how many of the background ministrations and protections going on you were aware of when you still decided that this was a good decision.
Why did you choose him? If you wanted to eliminate a two person team, there were several other options.
[the real reason is that the proposal wasn't submitted on w6, help. but monika doesn't know she got knife blocked, so she just shakes her head.]
I'm not sure what you think I knew. If there was some sort of protection to keep them safe from the noise, or from other players who might not care about the end goal, then we weren't told anything about that. Just a few warnings from the dead, asking us to stay away from Froggystyle and Justice, aren't enough of a guarantee that nothing will happen.
You could ask the same of Wolfwood, who sought to kill Kyoko despite his team also not being in the lead. It... wasn't anything personal. He was strong enough to defend himself, and he could have easily erased us if things had gone another way.
[ I WILL NEVER HOLD THIS AGAINST YOU grips your hands i love you so much and will not harp oocly i promise
anyway. he just listens to her, quiet, expression not changing. ]
I did ask the same of Wolfwood. You don't have to worry about that. You didn't answer my question. Why him?
If it was because he could fight back, I find that interesting. Wenzhou could have easily erased you, had you allowed him the chance to really do so - but that autonomy was taken from him by your psych. That unfired gun told me everything I needed to know, if I didn't already know what your psych was. Don't pretend it was a fair shot. You approached him two on one, stripped him of his weapons, beat him half to death, set him on fire, and then blew him up.
[ there's a pause. ]
I don't hold it against you that you play in a game, or that you were trying to get points. I don't even hold it against you that you chose him. I see your logic in doing so. A team wipe gets you more points.
I find it infuriating that you saw the rankings and thought you could catch up, or provide a backup option, [ except for the fact that that was after murder deadline but you know knifeblocks etc i gotta say it ic but ooc ofc it doesn't matter ] when you wouldn't have even been a fifth choice. Imagine how much panic and chaos there would have had to be, to wipe out everyone that your choice would have mattered. The team that was next in line behind those two still had three members. They would have survived. In fact, they did.
There were so many plans going on outside of the circle of your panic, and in this final week, the only two people who acted rashly, erasing outside of the goals of the end of this game, were the two of you. Much like Mizuki throwing a bomb at him was a panic decision.
You both get to live with every consequence of that choice. I want you to look it in the face. I don't need satisfaction, or an apology that you hurt me. I need you to acknowledge every part of what you did, and every pointless end it led you to.
... I wonder what you think we did to him with our psych. But we didn't ask him to put his gun down or throw away his weapons, and I'm not actually sure why he did that. We only asked him to trust us and sit down to talk for a little while.
[she's just listening to him, like, alright my dude. it's only because she respects his right to be angry that she doesn't drop her concentration.]
Okay, well, if you want me to say that his death was pointless, then sure. I'll say it was pointless even though I believe that devaluates the worth of his life.
You keep saying that we told him. But that's not how it works. The belief wasn't that just laying down and letting us kill him would help everyone. Just that we wanted to help, and everything else... we talked about. And then we fought.
[ a little sharper, there, but he closes his eyes for a moment and takes in a breath, on his end, before he continues in the same, neutral tone. ]
... You know, the only reason he probably fought back at all was because of Kyoko. Because Wenzhou is a selfless person who cares more about protecting others than anything else.
There aren't many reasons why someone would stay awake on a Thursday night.
[so, yes. it was implied, and they even talked about it like she said.]
He might have been influenced by the belief we put in his head, but the way he interpreted it and acted upon it is still all him. It's not mind control, after all. Just a belief. If you're wondering what motivated him to fight back, or what drove him to make certain choices... that's something you'll have to ask him yourself.
I can already guess what drove him to make his choices.
[ he knows wenzhou. he knows that he wouldn't have shot at children. he knows that if he genuinely believed his death - and by proxy, kyoko's - was going to help, even if it was through coercive lies, he would have gone to it. he knows. it's infuriating, and frustrating, and a part of him wishes he'd just shot them both and gotten over it.
The first is that I don't really want to hear you talk about the value of his life, to myself or to others. It's a small ask. I don't really want to talk about this anymore, because I don't trust myself to have the conversation in any way that is productive, and I'll admit that.
[ ... ]
And the second is that I'd like you to apologize to Kazuki. Wenzhou won't ask for an apology, and neither will I, and that's our choice.
But, I don't think Kazuki will approach you or Mizuki on his own. You two are close in age. And he wrote me a letter that was heartbreaking on Saturday, and he was desperately upset about potentially figuring it out. Wenzhou was incredibly important to him, and I think he deserves the chance to have some closure.
As an aside, you two are already fairly close, so I suppose this is less of an ask, since I imagine you've already spoken to him. But, I'd like to ask you to ensure Haru doesn't take the blame for this on his own. He promised me he'd take care of Luo Wenzhou as a part of the exchange for my death, and clearly, that wasn't the way it ended.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Was it worth it?
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Then yes, it was. I can't regret doing what I thought was necessary to reduce our chances of complete failure.
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If Froggystyle, Justice or A-Peace can carry us to victory without being erased through some freak accident on the way there, like what happened to Matsui and nearly happened to Livio... Then that's great. But I still can't regret not wanting to risk it.
I don't think you're going to find an answer that really satisfies you here. But I am genuinely sorry for the pain I put you through, though I know that doesn't change anything.
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[ because if anyone knows there is no satisfaction in this situation, it's him. it's the same metaphor from that house, all those weeks ago. you can hit the man with the car over and over, but he'll never, ever die. ]
All I want is a recognition of what you did and how pointless it was, and answers to my questions. What bothers me about it is that I know that you're clever, and I have to wonder how many of the background ministrations and protections going on you were aware of when you still decided that this was a good decision.
Why did you choose him? If you wanted to eliminate a two person team, there were several other options.
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I'm not sure what you think I knew. If there was some sort of protection to keep them safe from the noise, or from other players who might not care about the end goal, then we weren't told anything about that. Just a few warnings from the dead, asking us to stay away from Froggystyle and Justice, aren't enough of a guarantee that nothing will happen.
You could ask the same of Wolfwood, who sought to kill Kyoko despite his team also not being in the lead. It... wasn't anything personal. He was strong enough to defend himself, and he could have easily erased us if things had gone another way.
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anyway. he just listens to her, quiet, expression not changing. ]
I did ask the same of Wolfwood. You don't have to worry about that. You didn't answer my question. Why him?
If it was because he could fight back, I find that interesting. Wenzhou could have easily erased you, had you allowed him the chance to really do so - but that autonomy was taken from him by your psych. That unfired gun told me everything I needed to know, if I didn't already know what your psych was. Don't pretend it was a fair shot. You approached him two on one, stripped him of his weapons, beat him half to death, set him on fire, and then blew him up.
[ there's a pause. ]
I don't hold it against you that you play in a game, or that you were trying to get points. I don't even hold it against you that you chose him. I see your logic in doing so. A team wipe gets you more points.
I find it infuriating that you saw the rankings and thought you could catch up, or provide a backup option, [ except for the fact that that was after murder deadline but you know knifeblocks etc i gotta say it ic but ooc ofc it doesn't matter ] when you wouldn't have even been a fifth choice. Imagine how much panic and chaos there would have had to be, to wipe out everyone that your choice would have mattered. The team that was next in line behind those two still had three members. They would have survived. In fact, they did.
There were so many plans going on outside of the circle of your panic, and in this final week, the only two people who acted rashly, erasing outside of the goals of the end of this game, were the two of you. Much like Mizuki throwing a bomb at him was a panic decision.
You both get to live with every consequence of that choice. I want you to look it in the face. I don't need satisfaction, or an apology that you hurt me. I need you to acknowledge every part of what you did, and every pointless end it led you to.
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[she's just listening to him, like, alright my dude. it's only because she respects his right to be angry that she doesn't drop her concentration.]
Okay, well, if you want me to say that his death was pointless, then sure. I'll say it was pointless even though I believe that devaluates the worth of his life.
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Tell me word for word what you told him.
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[it was not pc'd so waves hands vaguely at the actual conversation.]
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I didn't need to be coerced into doing that. Neither did he. What did you make him think?
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[she was not sure lwz wouldn't shoot first and ask questions later, tbh.]
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... That you killing him was going to help everyone? Is that what you told him?
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[ a little sharper, there, but he closes his eyes for a moment and takes in a breath, on his end, before he continues in the same, neutral tone. ]
... You know, the only reason he probably fought back at all was because of Kyoko. Because Wenzhou is a selfless person who cares more about protecting others than anything else.
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[so, yes. it was implied, and they even talked about it like she said.]
He might have been influenced by the belief we put in his head, but the way he interpreted it and acted upon it is still all him. It's not mind control, after all. Just a belief. If you're wondering what motivated him to fight back, or what drove him to make certain choices... that's something you'll have to ask him yourself.
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[ he knows wenzhou. he knows that he wouldn't have shot at children. he knows that if he genuinely believed his death - and by proxy, kyoko's - was going to help, even if it was through coercive lies, he would have gone to it. he knows. it's infuriating, and frustrating, and a part of him wishes he'd just shot them both and gotten over it.
(but he knows he wouldn't, is the thing.) ]
And I know what made you choose yours.
[ ... ]
I have two final asks of you.
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Alright. What are they?
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[ ... ]
And the second is that I'd like you to apologize to Kazuki. Wenzhou won't ask for an apology, and neither will I, and that's our choice.
But, I don't think Kazuki will approach you or Mizuki on his own. You two are close in age. And he wrote me a letter that was heartbreaking on Saturday, and he was desperately upset about potentially figuring it out. Wenzhou was incredibly important to him, and I think he deserves the chance to have some closure.
As an aside, you two are already fairly close, so I suppose this is less of an ask, since I imagine you've already spoken to him. But, I'd like to ask you to ensure Haru doesn't take the blame for this on his own. He promised me he'd take care of Luo Wenzhou as a part of the exchange for my death, and clearly, that wasn't the way it ended.
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If that's what you want, then I'll do it.